A day in the life

Today this is just an online diary.

I had been thinking of writing a blog loosely set around some of the songs by broken social scene, and focus on the ideas they present that appeal to me, or are at least challenging things in some way that I like. This first popped into my head with the song "Lover's Spit." Which I wasn't entirely aware of until my friend Mike started singing it with full rock involvement outside the music school we work at. Go Mike.

The body is... what it is. It's what you've got. And it feels a remarkable amount of things. Ranging from tiny little breezes, and things you ignore most of the time, so the orgasmic. The whole spectrum is to be appreciated. But it's... kind of dirty and strange and gooey, and I find it's just, not properly enjoyed sometimes. Something about a song about people kissing and swapping spit really symbolises something for me.

I think I'll come back to that and give it it's proper due. Really rant on about bodily fluids in a near embarrassing manner.

(Just to note, I'm quite enjoying writing this.)

Well... now I have to double back to my wandering train of thought and not let it go on its tangent right away. My head isn't really liking that idea though. It was enjoying the tangent.

So... let's go with that.

Why is the tangent so fun? Because that's where my head went. That was my head, being purely itself without concern for how what I think or say will affect someone else.

I find that concern very problematic. On the one hand, it seems that if you don't think about the things you are going to say there is a great potential for being mean and horrible to people, and in such a case you are a "douche bag", as the fella says. But! I don't know if this is exactly the case. I find the "douche bag"ness of such action comes from the fact that it conflicts with your normal restrained behaviour. Careful, considerate, generally boring behavior. It may be a harsh criticism but I feel it to be true enough that it warrants some form of simple statement. That behavior is BORING! Though, it is highly valued for being stable and helping the modern world go around in its clock work way.

So... you the conflict arises when you adhere to so called good behavior and then let your wilder personae go. You make yourself out to be a liar. You said you wanted A. and behaved in a manner to get A. but every now and then you did something that was very not A. seemed to totally contradict A. and you do it in a manner that seems completely honest and believable. You reveal parts of yourself, and people go... but wait... that's not really you, and well, disaster ensues. You find yourself trying to resolve the pain of the people who are hurt by your revelation, and might do so by putting on a certain showing of type A. behavior, while not wanting to compromise the validity of your other behavior. So... it see saws. People get emotionally weary and things just get worn down, get ugly, and stop.

The desire to fix the situation makes it worse, in my experience.

Get on with being who you are and things take care of themselves. People who don't like you, will not spend time with you, which is nice. And people who do genuinely like you will stick around because you don't fluctuate erratically, and thus confuse them. You can have massive fluctuations of emotion, have very sad days, very mad, very happy, and bouts of daily contentment, and these might fit in to who you are quite nicely. People just don't like feeling lied too. And feeling confused about what they think about things. It's too tiring and eventually you just stop doing that thing. Or at least, there's a good chance.

Tangents... are me.

I don't like chit chatting politely.

I like talking...

I get bored quickly.

I become depressed when I don't do something about situations that are not as I want them. I don't like to compromise beyond a natural heartfelt desire to make someone else happy.

It's amazing to what extent I am struck by the force of moments where I am unwilling to act. Everything becomes total shit.

It seems like it should be, well... that kinda sucks... oh well...

but no, it's massive and terrible.

Which is horrible, and yet... does inspire me to do the things I really want quite a bit.

I wonder why that happens...

I'll think about it some time.